My love,
I know that I am a bit more pessimistic about my performance, but is not it a part being optimist? Since I was much more optimistic than requisite, I almost fell flat in the battle field with my face in the dust and my mouth stanched. I understand that it happened only because I expected too much from me in this short time-span and could not brace up for the test. What happened happened for the best.
I did not email you only because I did not want to give you the bad news early morning. I came to Delhi by 5 o'clock in the morning and I was having a fitful sleep, when you called up. I am really lucky to find you- such a strong and caring lady, that you called me in the time when I mostly needed someone's pat on my back for my doing very bad. You did so. Yes, you did Lydia; and once more showed an exemplary show of your highness. It was an expression of your deep love and affection that you consoled me. You are just marvellous.
And what I did in return, I hurt you by asking the stupid question. You know, it happened only because I had in mind that in this world people in general love successful people only; and they do not care for the defeated souls. I mistook my love to be from the common lot. This is my fault Lydia. I deserve severe punishment. YOU are not from the common lot. YOU are unique. And let me tell you, I never intended to speak to you the way I did this morning. It was just a kind of my frustration. I usually do not use this "Frust.....n" for any one. I hate this word. I am not a person who is possessed by the negative thoughts either. But it is just the ramification of the last defeat, which I never faced before in the way I faced this time. I never intended to hurt you. It happened just because I was irritated looking at my performance.
Still, you did the best job that a good friend can do. I have developed more love and respect for you than I ever I had. You are just wonderful. I am one of the happiest persons to find such a lovely person. Truly, now, I am not bothered by the consequences. I am working and I shall work more diligently than I did this time, and I will try to make the project successful. I can not accept my defeat so easily when Lydia is with me.
And also I would like to tell when I say " at any cost", I don't mean at all to achieve through any illegal or immoral means. But if I aim something for my career and see you as the best person to be come closer, what is wrong I do. You tell me, is it a kind of obessession. I do not think so. If some one is driven by fame; and some one by money; and someone by position; what is wrong in being driven by my love. I am drive by my love. Am I wrong? After all one needs a driving force. Well, of course, I must assure you that I will never take any wrong route to reach you but what is wrong in struggling to get to you in a rightful manner. And you always invigorate me with the right kind of inspiration. Tell me if I am wrong.
I understand that it's not only me, who needs the energy to go ahead, but you also need. And I keep bugging you, I never care for your happiness. I have become selfish in that regard. I promise you that I will, now onwards, never bug you with my stupid questions or attitude; and will always talk positively to make things better. I will take care that you are not unnecessarily bugged and irritated. After all why should I do so? The world is moving fast in a positive direction. And only the positivity pays not the negativity, then why I should talk any thing negative. I stop hereby doing so.
Tell me, what is on your job front going on. What is the topic on which you are presenting paper in Spain? Are you ready with that? You must be. Tell me all the good things, you are doing there and forgent the rest about me. Tell me if I could be of some worth to discuss these things with you. I wish you all the best for your paper in Spain and also for the job hunt. I pray that you land up with the job you aspire and in the place you want to. God bless you with all your wishes! May He make you successful in all your endeavors!
Yes, I wanted to tell you that I have come to my uncles across Yamuna. Do you remember the elephants on the way? They are asking about you and sending their warm wishes to you. They are appreciating your lovely presence here. I am visiting them only after I visited with you. I thought to be with them and to balance my disturbed state of mind. I am happy now.
Tell me more about your Christmas celebration. May be, I will not send you the gift to you this time, since I have to send the fees to Illinois but if I find some way, I will keep my words. I know that material things are just secondary things in true love but I just wanted to express it through that "just a token fo love nothing else" also. If I find a chance I will do so in the future.
I am sure that this mail will bring some charm back to you. If I find a chance I will call you Sunday morning or evening. Take good care of yourself. Enjoy the weekend.
Now, I don't merely love you, but also worship you for your all the goodness, call it godliness,
Kisses on your forhead and palms and your feet,
A Devotee,
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